Where did all this SHAME come from?

You are flooded with thoughts.  “I am not good enough; I’m weak, there’s something wrong with me; something’s missing.”  

Your propensity to experience shame was cultivated in your family.  It is possible that by the time you were three, you were already bound in shame.  Since shame is the sense of being unworthy of connection then it makes sense that our most important relationship impacts our experience of shame. 

Dark stormy night josep-castells

Family Functioning

Let’s talk about the qualities of a healthy functioning family.  This is the breeding ground for a healthy identity.  

  • Good communication and conflict resolution skills including how emotions are expressed and valued

  • Role functioning that provides a sense of structure, safety, and mutuality

  • Feelings of closeness and support 

  • Appropriate boundaries and accountability

Under these conditions, children learn that they are loved and that other people and the world can be trusted.  They develop a strong view of self, healthy attachments, self-discipline, the capacity to express and experience a full range of emotions, and playfulness.  

On the contrary

  • If touch and affection was not used

  • If your curiosity was squashed

  • If your questions and chattering was shushed

  • If you were not listened to simply because you were a child

  • If your excitement was met with contempt

  • If the enforcement of rules was harsh

  • If your emotions were not allowed

  • If mistakes were not accepted as normal 

  • If your perceptions and opinions were not respectfully heard

  • If you were expected to keep family secrets

And if these things were chronic or worse yet, multi-generational patterns in your family, then chances are you developed internalized or toxic shame and perhaps even internal rage towards yourself.  

How it looks now as an adult

  • Harsh inner critic voice-constantly berating yourself 

  • Convinced you’re flawed

  • You think the world is hopeless or unsafe

  • You view situations and people rigidly (all, nothing, good, bad)

  • Inability to trust others or ask for help

  • Fear of rejection or criticism

  • Cannot experience feelings

  • Disconnection from your body

  • Feel empty

  • Focus on the negative 

  • Perfectionistic

  • Feel enmeshed (too intertwined) with your family

Ultimately, what this shame-prone identity does is rob you of your joy and feelings of being whole.  You lessen your capacity to experience your feelings and lose your playful spirit. The good news is that there is NOTHING wrong with you.  You ARE worthy of love and belonging. You can relearn and overcome the beliefs and experiences that built this toxic level of shame. You can learn and create the space to CHOOSE JOY!  If you would like to compassionately work and break the cycle of shame in your life, call or email today.

Julia Stone