How your daily life is affected by your childhood needs

First, let’s start by talking about the five basic childhood needs

  • Secure attachment

  • Play

  • Autonomy, mastery

  • Freedom to express your needs and emotions

  • Realistic limits

Children playing

The way these needs are met changes throughout development. What’s important is that they were met consistently and you have a solid sense of their fulfillment.  If these needs were unmet or neglected, you may experience emotional, cognitive, and/or neurobiological states.  Your behavior is definitely influenced by these states.  If you feel empty, numb, or insecure your unmet childhood needs may be a factor.  Let’s look at each need a little more in-depth.  

Secure attachment

A secure attachment to your primary caregiver, usually your biological mom, means that you felt safe, protected, and connected.  You had an innate assurance that your needs would be met. And if mom left, you knew that she would be back.  You felt the unconditional sense of love and connection.  In adults, this may show up as fear of rejection, abandonment, or difficulty trusting others.  

Play and Spontaneity

Play and spontaneity.  A child at play is a child at work.  Play is necessary for brain development and emotional regulation.  During play, a child learns what their capabilities are, how to problem-solve, how to interact with others, as well as what they do and do not enjoy doing.  If you had to take care of your parent, siblings, were kept busy with scheduled sports, etc., or had an unreasonable amount of chores, then your need for spontaneity and playfulness was most likely not met.  The adult expression would look like pessimism, perfectionism, or emotional repression.  

Autonomy and Mastery

Autonomy and mastery contribute to a healthy sense of self.  Children need to make age-appropriate decisions with the full support of their parents.  Children learn from their mistakes and poor choices.  Competency will develop along with a solid sense of identity.  If your parents were overly involved in all of your decision making, or you did not feel supported if you made a poor choice then your need for autonomy and mastery may not have been met.  In adults this may show up as fear of failure, struggling to feel your feeling because you are so wrapped up in others’ feelings, or needing excessive validation and help to make decisions.  

Free expression of needs and emotions

Children need the freedom to express their needs, thoughts, and emotions.  If this is denied, then they may begin to invalidate their own needs and emotions.  This also contributes to a fragile sense of self.  If you were only allowed to express happy and agreeable feelings, or if you learned not to share your thoughts and feelings AT ALL, and now as an adult, you have become a ‘people-pleaser’ then your need for expression may have been neglected.  

Realistic boundaries and limits

Lastly, children need realistic limits and boundaries.  Here again, realistic being important.  Parenting styles that are too permissive or too authoritarian can leave this need unmet in children.  Realistic limits increase self-discipline and control.  If this need was unmet in childhood, as an adult you may refer to yourself as a ‘control-freak’ or on the other hand, find yourself saying “I just don’t follow through on anything for some reason. I feel powerless.” 

This is an overview of core childhood needs and how your adult life may be impacted if those needs were chronically not met or neglected.  The good news is that change is possible.  You may find that change is quicker once you conceptualize and map out the process.  Contact me today to find out how! 

Julia Stone