Grief: What is Most Important, 3 Strategies For Grieving, and When to Seek Professional Help.
You have suffered a loss. The grief is unimaginable. You have deep sorrow. It feels as if the pit of despair will be forevermore. You wonder how you can go on.
Perhaps you have lost a child.
Spouse
Parent
Your cherished pet
Perhaps you are feeling the collective grief of the pandemic
Maybe you are close to someone, such as your child, who is experiencing the loss of someone
Grief and Mourning
Grief is both universal and individual. Everyone grieves at some time or another. Everyone grieves differently. Mourning is a natural and normal response to loss. An emptiness exists now. Something has been taken. Something that had meaning. Someone. Someone loved. This is the side of love we don’t like to think about until we must.
You replay the last moments you spent together. You catch yourself looking for them. Then, you notice their absence in everything, when you pour your morning coffee, when you check the mail, even as you start your car and mindlessly drive your route. The world carries on while your world has stopped.
What is Needed Most While Grieving
In our society, we have mostly reduced our mourning ritual to a ceremony lasting just a few hours. You are given three days off of work, maybe a week. You’re expected to get “over it” in one year. Grieving is minimized. This can be very detrimental. According to David Kessler, author and grief expert, what is needed most is for grief to be witnessed.
You need someone to be present with you, fully acknowledging and looking at grief with you. Not fixing. Not giving advice. Not urging you to dilute your grief. Someone to simply hold the space with you.
They allow you to remain.
And they remain with you.
Grief reflects love. Every loss is meaningful. Allowing yourself to experience the darkness and mourn is a way that you honor yourself. You honor your loss. You may grieve by shedding tears. Maybe your process is more thought-based, and crying seems pointless. Whatever your grieving process, honor it, and find those who will be reliable and respectful witnesses.
Helpful Strategies For Grieving
Rituals
Rituals provide a beautiful way of moving forward while also commemorating someone or something at the same time. Rituals nourish our souls and give us a place to find comfort and natural rhythm. Rituals are effective when practiced with intention and awareness.
If you decide to continue a habit you had with your deceased spouse, practice this ritual with the fond awareness of the presence you enjoyed when your spouse was with you. If you lost a child, play their favorite song during your morning coffee or other time you choose during the day.
During this time focus your awareness of your favorite memories or even your favorite photo of them. Maybe you have a beautiful sunrise or sunset view from your home. You could watch the sun while listening to a song you enjoyed together. Lighting candles, enjoying cake on their birthday, etc.
Whether the ritual is daily, weekly, or yearly use the time to feel a deep sense of connection to the person you lost and feel grounded. Allow the process to occur. If emotions rise up, notice them; if you want to express thoughts feel free to say them out loud. Read a poem. Journal. The ritual is for your healing and sense of connection.
Write Letters
Think about your fondest memory with your loved one. Write a letter to yourself on that day. What do you want yourself to know on that day (your younger self)? Then reverse the process. Have your younger self write to your today self.
Use breathing and centering to ground yourself while you write the letters. Allow yourself to be curious, compassionate, and receptive. What do you notice? Record your observations. Repeat this practice as often as you’d like.
You may also choose to write letters to the one you lost. You could write to them about the memories you choose in this practice. You could write a letter telling them all the things you wished you could tell them today.
Keep a Journal
Use basic journaling methods writing, don’t correct your grammar, etc., write unedited and for you. No one else will read this. Write out your difficult emotions, thoughts, and memories. Journaling will help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings. Journaling will also keep you processing.
You can record your specific thoughts and feelings each day.
Your favorite memories.
What do you miss most?
What do you remember about your loved one today that you haven’t thought of in a long time?
Record what you observe about yourself as you journal, practice rituals, or write letters.
Anything you want!
When Might Grief Counseling Be Helpful?
If you do not have someone to be your witness.
A grief counselor can be present with you and face grief. The grief counseling hour can be spent in sacred silence with you as you view a photo together, hold something that has a special meaning, or whatever you find helpful as someone witnesses your grief. Maybe you need someone to listen, actively, and compassionately. A counselor can sit with you without placing expectations on your grief. They can hold hope and meaning until you are ready for them.
If you feel confused, guilty, or have regrets and want help to make sense of your story.
As you journey through grief and process your story, a grief counselor can help you discover an objective and meaningful narrative. Death is not the end of your story with them; they still live inside you. You can find healing.
If you are afraid to grieve or feel the emotional turmoil you minimize, invalidate, or numb.
Resistance to pain causes it to persist. Your body will absorb the ill effects of numbing or denial. Openness to love is an openness to grief. Openness to grief is an openness to love. You cannot be selectively numb emotions (Brene Brown). You can learn strategies for allowing feelings and increasing your tolerance to them. You can journey through the grief process while getting help and support from a counselor.
When Might EMDR be Helpful For Grief
If you are not familiar with EMDR, start here.
EMDR works to relieve emotional distress. EMDR can help you remove blocks and allow the natural process to take place.
EMDR can help with past memories that are currently triggering or causing distress. This could include flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, or other things that stand out in your thoughts. You can reconsolidate these past memories and move beyond feeling stuck or distressed.
EMDR can help with present-day triggers. Thoughts of guilt, responsibility, regrets, etc. Then you can address and process any future issues that come to mind regarding your loss.
EMDR can be especially beneficial if you feel that you have traumatic or complicated grief.
If you have any questions about whether counseling or EMDR would be beneficial to you in your grief process, feel free to call.
Wishing you comfort, the space to grieve as you need to, and many, many witnesses.
P.S. To friends and family of those grieving. Things NOT to say to someone grieving:
They are in a better place,
Time heals.
At least they lived a long full life.
Heaven has another angel.
I know how you feel.
It was their time.
At least, they aren’t in pain anymore.
They are at peace now.
Everything happens for a reason.
Ready to Start Grief Counseling in Fairhope, Daphne, and the Eastern Shore Area?
If you're struggling with the overwhelming weight of grief, it's time to take the first step towards healing. Reach out to a professional grief counselor at Julia W Stone to start the journey of understanding and managing your symptoms. Together in grief counseling, we can help you find healthy ways to cope and work towards a brighter, more peaceful future. Don't suffer in silence; seek the support you deserve. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact me to set up a 15-minute phone consultation to see if Grief Counseling is right for you
Get to know me, Julia W. Stone, a caring grief counselor.
Begin coping with your grief and start healing with support.
Other Services Offered at Julia W Stone
It’s impossible to go through life without hitting some bumps in the road. To help with this, I offer a variety of services at my counseling clinic in Fairhope, Alabama. In addition to helping you cope with grief in Grief Counseling, I also offer anxiety counseling or therapy for chronic stress. Additionally, I offer Single Session therapy for those wanting to address a specific issue or concern in a single, focused session. For those struggling with trauma, my services include EMDR therapy, trauma and PTSD, and trauma from childhood. I also provide EMDR Intensive Retreats for those looking for an intensive format allowing for continuous time to develop access to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations associated with the wounded parts of the memories and events you are processing. If you would like to explore other resources, check out my blog to learn more.