Shame is the painful emotion we experience in proportion to the negative thoughts and beliefs of our SELF. It is strongly linked to depression and anger.  It shapes how we connect with others and build relationships.  Consequently, shame can have a very paralyzing effect on our well-being.  

 What is Shame?

            “…a felt sense of unworthiness to be in connection, a deep sense of unlovability, with the ongoing awareness of how very much one wants to connect with others”  Judith Jordan 

Hard to talk about.

            “…the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Brené Brown

Painful

“flows from the misguided belief that you are fundamentally flawed or damaged.” Lisa Ferentz

Natural human emotion

            “fear of disconnection” Brené Brown

 Fraternal twin of Shame: Guilt

 Guilt says, “I did bad.”  Shame says, “I am bad.”   

 Guilt and shame travel together and are often confused, so let’s explore the differences.  Guilt focuses on behavior while shame focuses on self. Guilt is either, “I did something I was not supposed to do” or “I didn’t do something that I was supposed to do.”  

So we see that guilt is wrapped around actions of “should/must.”  Making amends, asking for forgiveness, and changing behavior can resolve guilt.  Guilt is necessary and leads to meaningful changes in our lives.   

In contrast, shame does not have redemptive quality.  It is highly correlated to eating disorders, depression, addiction, aggressiveness, and suicide.  Shame takes us away from connection by convincing us that we are not worthy of being lovable.  

 Continuum of Shame

 Shame is universal; however, it is not one size fits all.  Shame exists in varying degrees between being a passing emotion to forming a shame-prone identity.  For example, a shame prone identity may show up as a nagging feeling that something is wrong with you, a lot of self-doubt, constantly thinking something is missing, or you have chronic nagging thoughts of not being good-enough.  Perfectionism.  

Shame-prone identity is an internal hatred of self.  I’ll write more in a future blog post about how this identity may form. For now, let’s talk some about how shame affects our bodies.

 Our Brains on Shame

When we experience shame, our nervous system perceives the threat and activates the fight/flight/freeze response.  As you see, we can respond with an active, passive, or both protective responses. For instance, if an adolescent feels belittled or bullied, he could act out with physical aggression and after the energy is expelled, he could go into a freeze response. The freeze response could be misinterpreted as calming down or taking a time out.  

However, what is occurring in the nervous system is a continued response to the perceived threat. Over time, it could become difficult to move out of this freeze-mode and into a mindful, regulated state.   

This is where the emotional suffering of shame can be debilitating.  

I’ve heard it compared to walking around without skin.  Your nerves are exposed.  You do not have the protective barrier to bacteria, UV rays, and even water can do damage!

 Perpetuation of Shame—The Inner Critic

Our inner critic has a protective purpose.  However, when our inner critic takes on a deep sense of shame it can become toxic.  It can increase the distress and the burden of worthlessness.  We can loose the ability to develop a sense of self.  Our inner critic takes on the negative belief (s) we have about our self.

In an attempt to protect us, and keep us from perceived threats, the inner critic will not let us feel better because then we might do something that brings shame. 

It also convinces us that we are not capable of changing.

So, when shame and the inner critic form a tight bond our thoughts and feelings work to keep us small and quiet.  (Read: not living a wholehearted, passionate, life of fulfilling our dreams.)

 Shame Shields

 Dr. Brené Brown coined this phrase and built upon Dr. Linda Hartling’s work.  For the most part, these shields are the protective armor that we use against shame.  So, I like to think of them as stances.  

They are “moving against, moving toward, and moving away.”  Moving against means fighting back and verbally attacking others.  Moving toward is people-pleasing.  And, moving away is withdrawing, hibernating, and keeping quiet.  

We may use one of all of them; often our preferred shield may change due to the circumstances.  Nonetheless, they all also serve to shield us from connection and mutuality.  

 Shame Resilience

 Empathy.  

 First, how do we move through or from shame into authentic connection? Actually awareness is the first step, knowing what shame feels like, the felt sense in your body. Perhaps, your bodily awareness has been turned off or tuned out rather, particularly if you had the thought that you use the freeze response too much.  

You can regain this awareness; one strategy to try is the body scan mindfulness exercise.  You can begin by turning your attention to your toes and slowly moving your attention upward, noticing any tension, tightness, or pain.  Use this exercise when experiencing shame and other emotions to increase the felt sense of these feelings.  Also become aware of thoughts that come with shame, habits, and even body posture. 

Secondly, use reality to double check the beliefs, feelings, expectations, and maybe even what you are hearing from others.  For example, take whatever you are hearing from someone and say it out loud, use the same tone and facial expressions.  Oh, not something you would say to someone else—there you go! Maybe it’s your own thoughts and beliefs-same test-would you say them out loud to your best friend? 

(Hint: if may be insightful to use the body scan exercise during the reality check)

Next, reach out and connect with someone.  Share your story. Ironic.  Shame keeps us from connection, yet the way out is through connection.  Find someone safe.  Find a therapist.  Share your story.  As you open up and share with someone experience empathy.  I want to emphasize choosing someone safe.  (Your parent may not the one to hear about unmet childhood needs.  Likewise, the checkout clerk is probably not going to be in a position to offer empathy while taking your money.)  Find someone you can trust.  As Brené Brown says, find someone who has earnedthe right to hear your story.  Offer empathy in return as you listen to their story.  This connection is transformative and heart stirring.  

Lastly, own your story.  It’s yours. It is your ending to write!  

 Shame requires silence and the keeping of secrets.  When spoken, it begins to dissipate.  

 If you need someone to listen to your story, actively listen, or if you feel that shame may be taking over your identity, call or email today.